We spent so much time and energy trying to get pregnant that I never thought about pregnancy. I thought about being a mother, a lot, but pregnancy… not so much. There are many reasons for this. For awhile pregnancy felt like winning the lottery – something that happens to other people. Plus, so much energy went into conception that we were living minute to minute, day to day, so future thinking was a luxury. We also opened our hearts to adoption which, obviously, doesn’t involve pregnancy.
Now that I’m here and feeling a little more confident with saying the ‘p’ word, I have a few observations of this new land of fetus growing post-infertility.
1. My vagina is no longer public property. Where it was once center stage, with an audience and spotlight, my OB has not once peeked. In fact, when we do ultrasounds he uses a special paper blanket to make sure I am completely covered. After IVF, I am not used to this level of modesty.
2. The world is obsessed with gender. It is almost compulsory. I knew this before, but I didn’t see the depth of this addiction until I had a little bump. People are disappointed when you can’t satiate their questions with instant images of pink or blue. I usually say something along the lines of… “we’ve been through too much to make this baby healthy that gender is a nonissue” “it really doesn’t matter”… but to them it does. I still get the once a week emails, “do you know yet?” The impatience and stock that is placed on gender is astounding.
3. I don’t really fit in to the prego brigade. I guess I assumed pre-pregnancy that I would be one of the gang. The reality is, I feel like I just stepped foot in a new country and don’t understand the language. When I hear about what other women are concerned about – weight, needing a new bra, baby shower stress, husbands not really on board, disbelief that they are going to be a mother, I feel disconnected. I don’t share many of the same concerns.
4. People are obsessed with vomit. Not as much as gender, but many strangers ask me about the severity of my morning sickness, specifically if and how much I vomit. Never before has my vomit been of such interest to the general public. Many people also ask me if I am eating well and I can’t just say yes – they want specifics. From my doctor, I can understand this line of questioning, but from the grocery store check out person it feels a little… off…
5. I am not to be trusted and can not think for myself. The other day I want outside to Round Up five weeds. After consulting my Mayo Clinic book, I learned that I shouldn’t make pesticide spreading a career while pregnant, but if I need to kill a few weeds in the nine months I’m pregnant to wear gloves. So I did. I went outside for five minutes to kill five weeds with proper gloves on and a neighbor yelled at me. “You shouldn’t be doing that!” Me:”Don’t worry I’m taking all precautions, I’m wearing gloves.” Neighbor: “You can’t do anything, Alisa. You have to promise me you aren’t going to spray that, that you won’t paint anything, or bend over… just lay on the couch an relax.” I sprayed the weeds. The ironic part of this scene is this woman is morbidly obese. I never tell her that she needs to watch her weight or else she is going to get diabetes. Yet I am the careless fool.
Being treated like a careless fool is ironic on so many levels. Chris and I put so much thought, time, energy, and emotional and financial resources into having a child – a level that most could never imagine – yet we are treated like two hapless teenagers who are having an accessory, not a child. Sometimes I feel like us infertiles should wear a uniform, military style, so we get immediate respect everywhere we go, from airplanes to grocery stores. The truth is, there are no fools in the land of infertility.